


Cat With A Blade

by XxFandomTrashxX



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bad Jokes, Based on a Tumblr Post, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Death, Gen, It’s so stupid, absolute crack, oops I killed some people, someone take my internet privileges away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22413565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxFandomTrashxX/pseuds/XxFandomTrashxX
Summary: Who knew a tumblr post (“Quick catch that cat it stole my wallet!”) could cause this much hell?
Kudos: 4





	Cat With A Blade

**Author's Note:**

> #1- I’m a bit mean to Misha/Cas in this, but I thought it was kind of funny so didn’t remove it (please forgive me)
> 
> #2- They don’t curse all too much in the show so I censored the few curse words by replacing them with their PG-13 versions

Dean sits in the bunker kitchen, his left arm on the table and propping his head up as he eats a bowl of smarties cereal (smarties in a bowl with milk), an image of Sully flashing in his sleep deprived mind every so often, making him jolt awake and continue eating, though at this point, it’s essentially just sugar milk. Hearing shouting down the hall, a cat yodeling, and the sound of rapidly approaching feet, he straightens, looking up at the doorframe just in time to see an orange cat running into, through, and out of the room. He watches it intently, furrowing his eyebrows and swinging his head around to look at the door again and the cat’s purrsuer (hahah, see what I did?). Cas runs into the doorframe, hissing as his arm and the metal frame connect.

Dean stares into Castiel’s blue eyes, the angel glaring at him as he pushes himself off the doorframe and begins running after the cat again.

“What the hell, Cas?” Dean says with a large amount of confusion.

“The cat came back and he stole my angel blade!” Cas shouts as he runs into the wall on the other side of the kitchen, looking both ways before running in the direction he believes the cat ran.

Dean’s eyes widen, scared because a cat is loose in the bunker with a powerful weapon. He jumps to his feet, now wide awake and ready to help catch the cat. He runs after Cas, “What do you mean, came back?” Dean shouts at the angel.

“The one from the hospital for the old people that I questioned!” Cas responds gruffly.

Dean’s eyes widen even further, “Oh, crap, that cat. Yeah, I almost forgot about him,” he admits almost sadly.

Cas rolls his eyes and sighs exaggeratedly, “Well, in any case, he’s back and out for vengeance... and blood.”

“Vengeance and blood? Oh, we have to find that little fricker before he gets to anyone.”

Cas gasps loudly, entering the entrance room of the bunker, “I’m sorry, but it appears to be too late for that,” he says as he runs over to the table, a Sam with a hole in his stomach lying on the table, blood squirting everywhere like it does in every episode of Supernatural. 

“SAMMY???” Dean yells, rushing over to the angel and his little brother’s side, he watches as Cas puts two fingers to Sam’s forehead, closing his eyes for a moment, he sighs quietly and retracts his hand, looking up at Dean and shaking his head sadly. “No...” Dean whispers, “no, no, no, no, this can’t be happening...” he backs up from the table, horrified. “I’LL KILL YOU EL GATO, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!” He screams into the air, his voice echoing off the hard walls.

“Dean, it’s not that bad,” Cas says, staring at the only Winchester standing, since Sam is lying down... and dead.

“What do you mean, Cas? My brother is dead,” Dean responds incredulously.

“I mean, he’s one of the main characters, he’ll be back in an episode, three at most,” Cas responds, looking down at his fingers, seemingly unfazed by everything happening.

“Okay, way to go fourth-wall-breaker, if that’s how we’re playing this, get some friggin’ chapstick, your lips look like raisins that were left out in the sun for too long.”

Cas raises a hand to his mouth, gently pressing his fingers to his lips and looking up at Dean with a pained expression.

“And you know what, while you’re at it-“

“Shut up, Dean!” Cas barks, suddenly swinging around to face the opposite direction, a flash of silver and orange flies past in the distance. “Come on, we have to catch that monster!” He exclaims, jumping off the table with such a force to break the legs and make Sam’s lifeless body fall face first onto the ground.

Dean whimpers at the sight but reluctantly follows Cas, the angel staring into the room the cat just came out of, “Do you think he’ll be coming back?” Cas asks, the pair staring at Crowley’s still fizzling corpse.

“God, I hope not, but he is on the promos and supposedly part of the main cast, so maybe,” Dean responds, Cas shrugging in response and walking away.

They hear a scream in the distance and decide to chase the noise, “Oh great, and now Lucifer’s dead... again...” Dean sighs, dropping his head and shaking it sadly.

“Yeah, but you can still talk to him... probably...” Cas says, patting Dean on the shoulder, “Oh wait! There’s the cat!” He states happily, walking over to the ginger furred cat and picking it up, he removes the angel blade from its mouth and pets it’s head, “Who’s a good kitty?” He coos, itching behind its ear.

“Not that thing,” Dean growls.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I’m sure! He just killed three of my favorite people! And Crowley!” Dean says with disappointment in his tone.

“Three?” Cas repeats inquisitively.

Dean points at his own stomach, Cas looks down at his own, seeing the cat take the angel blade from his hand with a humans hand coming out of his mouth and stab him with it. Cas gags as the grace inside of him implodes and burns the vessel and angel out, the broken vessel falling to the ground and the cat landing on his feet. The hand retracts and the cat walks over to Dean.

“Aw, such a cute kitty...” he coos, bending over to pet it when it’s mouth opens again and bites his hand off, Dean pulls back screaming, blood squirting everywhere once again in that classical part of every supernatural death involving a quickly made and deep wound. He falls to the ground holding his arm, the cat jumping up on him and strutting across his body until it’s on his chest, it bends down and whispers ‘no witnesses’ into his ear before taking a large bite out of his neck. 

The cat watches as Dean slowly stops fighting before giving his work a Cheshire grin and vanishing into thin air, the bunker lights fizzling out and the bunker shutting down forever- or, until the pizza man gets there... 


End file.
